


say what you need to say

by iolanthie



Category: The Walking Dead (Telltale Video Game)
Genre: Fluff, M/M, Tooth-Rotting Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-04
Updated: 2019-12-04
Packaged: 2021-02-27 01:01:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,564
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21668755
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iolanthie/pseuds/iolanthie
Summary: Mitch doesn't know how to do romance, much less how to confess that he has romantic feelings for someone.Inspired bystop_breaking_my_heart_telltaleand theirreasons to surviveseries.
Relationships: James (Walking Dead: Suffer The Children)/Mitch (Walking Dead: Done Running)
Kudos: 24





	say what you need to say

**Author's Note:**

  * For [stop_breaking_my_heart_telltale](https://archiveofourown.org/users/stop_breaking_my_heart_telltale/gifts).



When the thought of kissing James first crossed his mind, he immediately tried to push it out.

_What the hell was that?_

Mitch shook his head and rubbed his eyes, trying to think about something else. When he thought about James recently, he had started to feel... _something_. He didn't know what it was at first. But when the thought of kissing him started crossing his mind, he got an idea of what those thoughts meant.

Every time he was close to James now, even when they were just in the same room as each other, he felt something. A strange fondness, a connection - intertwined with something that felt a lot like nervousness. Most of all, he felt an aching desire to be close to him.

It even happened when they were just eating together with the group. James often sat across the table from him, trying to finish his meal as Willy constantly chattered to him. One time, Mitch had looked up and chanced a glance at the older boy - and unexpectedly found himself looking directly into James' dark brown eyes. He bit his lip and looked away, feeling heat in his cheeks and cursing his own body for reacting as it had.

_Why does he make me feel this way?_

_He's just a person. Like anyone else._

But part of him knew that James was different. He had never met anyone like him before - absolutely never. No one else had broken down his walls like he had, and as a result, grown close to him.

Really close.

When they had started talking - really talking - he found himself wanting to tell James everything. His thoughts, his secrets, how he felt - parts of himself that he had never shown to anyone before. From there, his mind had started to slip towards thoughts about... kissing, holding hands, being with him. 

It seemed like the more he tried to fight it, the more the thoughts persisted.

One crisp autumn day, as the sun was setting and nightfall crept up on the school, Mitch started pacing in his room. James would be on watch soon. He'd be up in his usual spot on top of the watchtower. He liked to sit there - he remembered him telling him that. It was quiet. Peaceful.

Mitch felt like he didn't know what quiet or peace was anymore. His mind was always loud. He couldn't stop thinking about James. He felt like he was at war with himself. Part of him was saying _push it down, get over it, it's not going to happen_ and another part of him was screaming _just go for it, Mitch, you damn coward._

The longer this went on, the more sure he felt, but doubts still plagued his mind.

_Do I want this to happen?_

_Yes. Clearly, yes_

_What if he doesn't feel the same way?_

_What if I tell him and then it gets awkward and he leaves? What if he doesn't come back?_

Unlike the rest of the kids at the school, he knew that James could get up and leave at a moment's notice if he wanted to. He had lived alone for a long time before - he didn't depend on everyone else like Mitch did, even if he was reluctant to admit it. That kind of terrified him.

He knew that particular thought was drastic, unlikely. James was close to Clementine, Willy, Tenn... even if things became awkward between them, it probably wouldn't be enough to push him to leave forever. Despite that, the fear was real. The thought of him not being there was something that he didn't even want to consider.

He didn't want to lose James. When he wasn't here... he felt his absence in his bones. It didn't feel right. He wished that he had been a part of their group from the start. Maybe he wouldn't have... had to see and experience as many horrible things as he had, out there, with the Whisperers.

But Mitch was also sick of feeling like this and not saying anything.

It was the end of the world, for fuck's sake. They might die at any moment. Why was the thought of going out there and talking to another human being so scary?

_One step at a time._

He forced himself to start walking. The sound of crickets chirping filled his ears and soft moonlight lit up the courtyard. As he approached, he saw James' silhouette on the lookout tower. He could see the outline of his profile, lit up ever so slightly in the moonlight. His lips...

Mitch shook his head and drew a deep breath in slowly through his nose.

_It's just James. He's just a person. You've known him for years. It's not... there's no reason for it to be this scary._

The older boy hadn't noticed that he had company yet. He seemed to be deep in thought.

God, he didn't want to stop looking at James. Even his profile was stunning in the dim light. Had he always been this attractive? Why hadn't he noticed it until recently?

The fact that he frequently wore walker skin might be half of the reason. The other half might be that he had avoided looking directly at his face and especially looking in his eyes for the most part. Maybe he had felt something in the beginning but he had tried to hide it, even from himself.

He swallowed hard and reached over to knock gently on the wood.

He saw James flinch, practically jumping out of his skin and whirling around to try to find the source of the sound.

Mitch silently berated himself, feeling a pang of guilt. He knew that James was a bit... jumpy, when he was taken off guard like that. He should have spoken instead.

"It's just me," he said, and he saw the older boy breathe a sigh of relief when he finally saw him.

"You could have said so," James chuckled softly. Maybe Mitch was imagining it, but he thought he heard fondness in his voice. He also could have sworn that he saw him smile but it was hard to tell in the dim light.

"Mind if I come up?"

"No, not at all." James shifted his weight and moved closer to the edge of the lookout tower, making room for Mitch to join him. He climbed up the ladder easily but he felt his legs trembling a bit even as he sat down.

_Why is this so scary? God damnit just stop -_

He stopped himself in the middle of his train of thought, looking over at James to greet him with an uncharacteristically gentle smile. James gave him a timid smile in return. He had always been on the shy side, which is probably why it took Mitch so long to get to know him. He was quiet, and Mitch didn't talk much at all.

_Fuck, if I don't do something, nothing will ever happen between us, will it?_

_That's why I should make a move, for once in my life, fuck -_

"It's nice out tonight," James breathed. His dark eyes moved upwards, taking in the stars and the moon in the sky. It was full tonight, bright and crystal clear. But Mitch was more interested in looking at James' eyes. _Were his eyelashes always that long? Why is he so -_

He had to stop himself from sighing, choosing to chastise himself in his mind instead.

_Don't say something stupid, for the love of -_

"I guess. Could be warmer."

_For fuck's sake. Why do I do this to myself?_

He quickly tried to correct himself, stuttering awkwardly as he did so. "I mean, it's - you're right, it is, I just -"

The older boy furrowed his eyebrows slightly, obviously confused. Mitch tried desperately to think of a way to change the topic for a long moment until his companion beat him to it.

"Were you... scheduled to be on watch tonight?" James asked, his tone tentative and unsure.

Nope. Definitely not. He definitely wasn't. Maybe he could say that he was, though - it wouldn't be hard to believe that there was some kind of mistake, right?

_Stop lying, Mitch, you're trying to be honest for once in your life, remember?_

_Fine, fuck it._

"Nope." There. He had done it. It had been said. Why did he feel the urge to run away and hide from this conversation?

"Oh," James blinked. "Then... why...?"

"I, uh..."

_Just fucking say it!_

_I came up here to see you._

_I can't stop thinking about you._

_Okay, maybe not that far, I should see how he reacts to the first thing first. That's reasonable, right?  
_  
"Wanted to say hey, I guess." He cleared his throat awkwardly.

Well, that didn't turn out as romantically as he had wanted it to. What the hell was going on? He actually wanted to be romantic? Who even was he?   
  
_It's not the time for an identity crisis- he's right there! He's looking at me!_

He raised his eyes and they looked directly at each other for a second, before both boys bashfully turned away.

_Why is it so hard to talk?_

It was like he couldn't think straight when he was this close to James. For some reason, he cared about him. More than he wanted to. Everything that James did, everything that he said mattered to him.

"Willy said you were busy today."

He had to think for a second to remember what James was talking about. He had spent most of the day in the basement and when Willy had come to see him, he had kicked him out. He hadn't been in the mood to interact with other people - this... _thing_ between him and James had been plaguing his mind and he spent most of the day trying to get up the courage to talk to him.

"Oh... yeah. Working on stuff." _So much for not lying._

"He ended up staying with me for most of the day. Well, sort of - I wouldn't let him come outside with me, but he watched me guiding walkers from the lookout." The corners of his lips were turned upwards into a small smile. James' fondness for the small boy was clear. That made Mitch feel something again - he didn't even know what to call it. Something... romantic? Was that what it was?

Now that he was thinking about it... maybe this was what _romantic feelings_ felt like. He had to admit, looking up at the sky full of stars made him feel something. Especially with James by his side.

He never thought he would meet someone... who understood this part of him. That he'd tried to hide from for so long.

As he had gotten to know James over time, he had started to see him in a different way. He had ended up feeling... impressed. The older boy was insanely good at handling walkers. He could practically do it in his sleep. It was obvious that he didn't feel an ounce of fear when he was near them. That was pretty badass.

There was something else about James that he admired, although he couldn't pinpoint exactly what it was. He had a strong sense of self - he knew who he was and what he believed. He didn't expect anyone else to understand him, but he was self sufficient and truly didn't need anyone else.

Mitch would never have wanted to live alone in the woods, like he had, but he knew that James... found some sort of meaning out there, something worthwhile. While he didn't understand how he had done that - didn't quite understand how it was even possible - he did see how it was admirable, to be able to do something like that. It was clear that James felt emotions very deeply, and yet he wasn't afraid of feelings and didn't try to avoid them.

It took years of Willy gushing to him about James, but he had finally started to see it.

"Thanks. For that. Keeping him safe."

James nodded slightly in response and silence fell between them. The older boy seemed content and fairly comfortable in the silence, but Mitch's mind was racing.

_What if he doesn't like me? I did kind of treat him like shit at first._

_Why the fuck did I do that? What if he remembers that and thinks I'm an asshole?  
  
_ _Fuck._

_Maybe I should... say something. Apologize. Shit. Why didn't I think of this before?_

"When we first met," he blurted out. He hadn't even finished the sentence in his mind before he started talking. He saw his companion turn his attention towards him and his body suddenly felt hot.

_Just finish the sentence._

"I... I was kind of an asshole to you. That - it was stupid. I was stupid, I mean. I shouldn't have..." He trailed off awkwardly, noticing that he had started fiddling nervously with his fingers at some point in their conversation.

He tried not to look over at him. Out of the corner of his eye, he could still see the surprised expression on James' face.

"It's... it's okay. It was a long time ago."

"No, it's not. I'm... kind of a dick sometimes."

"You stopped, and that has to mean something, right?" James' voice was soft, kind. It was gentle, but firm. How did he do that? It was like Mitch didn't know how to control his tone - he either sounded harsh and agitated, or awkward and forced. He didn't know how to be sincere.

He knew how to care for people - he'd been taking care of Willy for so long that he could barely remember a time without him. But he didn't know how to say it.

"I guess I... wanted to say I'm sorry," he breathed, so fast that it almost blended into one word. "I kind of hoped you'd... forgotten about that. Didn't want you to think I'm..." He couldn't finish the sentence - he didn't know how.

It seemed like James was at a loss for words, too.

There was a long silence. Mitch listened to his own shaky breathing, trying to keep it from getting too ragged, and he noticed that he could hear James breathing too. He noticed things like that about James. Small things - like the colour of his eyes, the shape of his lips, the softness of his skin when their fingers brushed together. Now he had started to notice the sound of him breathing. He'd never noticed that about anyone before.

Not only that, but it made him feel something. He tried to think of a word to describe the feeling to himself. _Close? Intimate? Vulnerable?_ Maybe that was how it felt.

"I appreciate that," James whispered softly, and he smiled to himself. Mitch glanced over at him just in time to catch the smile. Something fluttered in his stomach.

_God damnit._

_This is real._

_How do I tell him?  
  
What do you say to someone when you feel... **something** for them?_

_Love?  
  
Too soon. I can't say that. I don't know if that's what this is. That's too scary._

_'Like?'_

_Fucking hell, 'like' can mean so many things. It still sounds too strong.  
  
'Romance?' 'Feelings?' _

_What if I said 'I have feelings for you?'_

That seemed like an honest thing to say. It was true. But it was terrifying.

"James, I..."

 _Oh shit fuck god damnit._   
  
He started panicking.

"I - uh, I think we... I..." He cringed, he visibly cringed - squeezing his eyes shut and wincing as if he was in pain.

He hoped that James couldn't see him right now. He could tell from the angle of his head that he was looking at the ground like he was, but he could probably be able to see him cringing out of the corner of his eye.

"You're, uh... I think you're - cool."

_Really? That's what I said? For fuck's sake, Willy says that every day!_

"You do?" He could see James grinning now. Were his cheeks flushed too? He was too embarrassed to look at him in order to see. He couldn't.

_Just say it and get it over with!_

"I have uh.... I have -"   
  
_Feelings. I have feelings for you.  
  
So strong that it drives me crazy and keeps me up at night.   
  
I can't sleep.   
  
I miss you any time that you aren't here. _

_I hate when you leave because I worry about you - I can't stand not knowing if you're safe.  
  
It tears me up inside.  
_  
"I've been... meaning to tell you... I'm - glad we're friends."

 _Well, shit.  
_  
That might be as close as he was going to get.

"I... didn't think that I would ever have friends," James admitted, his expression pensive. At least he hadn't noticed Mitch's internal struggle a moment ago. For that he was relieved and thankful. "After I left my group, I didn't think I would ever find anyone... who thought of me that way."

"Well, you do now." His cheeks felt like they were burning.

 _I can't do it,_ he thought. _Not tonight._ His hands were shaking - they were actually shaking from nervousness.

He thought about all of the couples he had seen in his life - all of them must have gone through this at some point in time. How they had managed to follow through with making the first step, he still didn't know.

_I can try again one day. I... need to go somewhere to calm down._

_Maybe I should... hug him? That's... not a big deal, right?_

_When was the last time I hugged someone that wasn't Willy?_

_It's probably been years._

_If I can't say that I have feelings for him, maybe I should do this - then he might bring up this thing between us sometime so that I won't have to._

_Yeah, that seems like a good idea._

He closed his eyes and turned towards James, leaning forward and stretching one arm out in front of him. He felt his forehead colliding with James' shoulder and his hand touching his side. The older boy's body stiffened under his touch, but it was too late to back out now.

He kept his eyes closed. If he couldn't see it, maybe it would be less awkward. He slid the hand on James' side forwards until it was on his back, and pulled him forward into an awkward, one armed embrace.

James didn't pull away. But he didn't move. He was probably too shocked to move.

Mitch swore he could feel the other boy's ribs and the bumps of his spine under his hand. _Was he always so skinny? Am I that skinny, too? Oh, God, I'm so close to him -_

Suddenly, he felt James' arms wrapping around his waist and his chin resting on his shoulder. All of his thoughts, all of his worries disappeared in an instant. His mind was in overdrive, desperately attempting to grasp what was happening. A wave of relief washed over him - he felt so lightheaded all of a sudden that he thought he might tip over if James wasn't holding onto him.  
  
But he was, James was holding onto him, hugging him back, and he could feel his body pressed against his chest. There was that feeling again, but multiplied a thousand times now that they were close - physically closer than they had ever been before.   
  
He could hear soft, shaky breathing but he couldn't tell if it was his own or James'. After a long moment, he noticed that he could feel his companion's torso rising and falling in time with the breaths and it finally clicked. That had to mean something - something promising, at least. You didn't hug people that you didn't care about - not like this.

Warmth was spreading from his chest, through his whole body. His face felt like it was burning now. He could hear his own heart pounding at a frantic pace; it was so loud that he was afraid James might even be able to hear it.

He abruptly pulled away, afraid of letting the embrace go on for too long.

"I'm... gonna hit the hay for the night." He rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly, turning away from James so that he couldn't see his face.

"I..." James swallowed. For a second he thought he might want to say something else - something about their embrace or Mitch's near confession. But he didn't. "I'll see you later. Goodnight, Mitch."

"Goodnight."

He headed down the ladder and back to his room, conflicting emotions tying his stomach in knots. Part of him was cursing himself but he also felt... _good. Amazingly good_. It was almost as if he could still feel James' warmth even though they had parted.

When he got back to his room, he closed the door behind himself and promptly leaned back against it. He let himself slide down until he reached the floor and covered his face with both of his hands.

In the privacy of his room, behind his hands, he found himself beaming. 

He was happy. Things hadn't gone according to plan at all but he still felt happy. Being that close to James, being more open with himself than he had been in a long time... made him feel stupidly, ridiculously giddy. His cheeks hurt from smiling but he couldn't stop.

Whatever fear and nervousness he had felt couldn't compare to that.


End file.
